Pass the Pepto-Bismol!

Get comfy... this one's gonna a take a while to read.

Today was quite a ride. I feel like I went through every possible mood in the span of a few hours... and that extra hour we got today from daylight savings time just gave me more time to think. Ugh, I hate this feeling! I'm not sure if it's a physical malady forming in the pit of my stomach, or an emotional "trauma" working its way through me. Perhaps it's a combination of both. In any case, I have this fluttering in my stomach like I'm anxious, and I want to throw up. I have no desire to do anything at all. I'm strongly tempted to stay home from school tomorrow... but I have my first SAT prep class to take and I'm sure I'll end up going. What spawned such a huge ballooning of my emotions? I think it's basically because I'm about to turn 13, and it's probably a culmination of all the things I've been going through for a while with school, family, friends... and a particular guy, well actually not just one guy.

Okay, yes, as much as I hate to admit it, I guess I feel this way mostly because of GUYS. Gosh, I can't even follow my own advice when it comes to relationships with them. I try not to let myself be so... I don't know... vulnerable? IT'S NOT WORKING! Maybe my dad is right... I should forget guys right now and concentrate on basketball, but for some strange reason, I just can't seem to do that... sorry, Dad.

If you're reading this and you don't know me, you may laugh to find out I'm still a sevie (seventh grader)... yeah, what could I possibly know about relationships at my age?!? Well, I'm hardly an expert at relationships because I've only had 8 boyfriends as my current lifetime total (pre-school through 7th grade). Since the first two happened in preschool and first grade, I no longer even really count those, so let's just say I've had 6 boyfriends. In those 6, however, I've given my heart away three times and really didn't want it back so soon. The other three didn't last long enough to worry about (not because they weren't nice guys, because they were, but mostly because we just didn't have enough in common to carry on a conversation), and I won't even mention the couple of other guys I had severe crushes on that didn't return the feeling. I guess no relationships end in a great way, but three so far have been really hard to get over:

BOYFRIEND #2 (a.k.a. heartache #1) - He was in 7th grade, I was in 6th. He was a friend of boyfriend #1, who was now my ex. We didn't go to the same school and I liked someone else, but he kept talking to me and wouldn't give up. The guy I liked chose another girl, so finally I agreed to go out with boyfriend #2. He was devoted and sweet, he really made an effort to see me a lot, and he was the first guy I let kiss me since the first grade (LOL). We had what I thought was a great relationship for a few months, but then I went away for Christmas vacation. He called me every day on my cell phone while I was gone and I thought he was the most awesome guy ever, but when I got back his friends told me something he didn't want me to know... he was like another person... someone I didn't even recognize... someone I didn't think I could trust anymore, and what we had was over. His older sister tried to help patch things up between us, but there was too much hurt and anger to get past it right then. We still talk to each other once in a while... he even liked my best friend recently and tried to be friendly, but the past keeps getting brought up. No matter how many times he says he's sorry, I'm still not over the hurt, but at least he doesn't lie about what happened anymore. He asks what it would take for me to give him another chance, and by the end of our conversations, I'm usually so upset I think I never want to talk to him again... and then... I eventually do.

BOYFRIEND #5 (a.k.a. heartache #2) - It was the end of his 7th grade year and I was finishing 6th grade. He goes to my school, lives in my neighborhood, and rides the same school bus I do. I kind of stumbled into an unlikely relationship with him. He was boyfriend #4's adversary and at first I couldn't stand him... he was an annoyance. Then one day last May after I broke up with boyfriend #4, I decided to ask him why he was still being so rude to me. Suddenly everything changed and he seemed almost perfect because he let me see a side of him he usually kept hidden from others. We had a great summer... we spent so much time together getting to know each other and I was so happy. We went to Edgefest, we went to movies, he came over to my house several times a week, we met at the neighborhood elementary school just to say goodnight sometimes. He never pushed me to do anything I was uncomfortable doing... he was like my knight in shining armor. Then in July while he was away at camp, some people who didn't like the fact that we were going out played this bad joke on us, and that was the beginning of the end. He started 8th grade and I started 7th. I thought we might last at least through the school year, but it just fizzled... like a smoldering flame that finally died out a couple of months after school started. I still don't know exactly what killed it. I see him every day at school and on the bus and I miss what we had... and no matter how much I hate to admit it, I still can't stand seeing him paying attention to any other girls! Even though obviously what we had is gone, and we've both tried to start other relationships, I still wonder if we could get it back, but right now apparently he's mad at me for some reason, and I don't know why.

BOYFRIEND #6 (a.k.a. heartache #3) - This is a current event... I went out with this guy such a short time, and since we didn't even see each other in person, let alone go on a date during that time, I'm not sure I can technically say he was my boyfriend. I've talked to him a lot for the couple of years I've known him, and I've liked him off and on in between liking other guys. He's in the 9th grade now. For most of the time I've known him, he wanted to date my sis or one of her friends, and even though I really liked him, I didn't seriously think anything would ever come of it because of all that. He and my sis never got into a serious relationship, and when I knew for sure he was "single" and that she didn't want to date him anymore, I admitted to liking him. Several months later he was still single and he finally told me he liked me too... but because I was younger and I had a boyfriend again by then, and he kind of liked a couple of other girls also, he didn't think it would work. I agreed, but we kept talking as friends and over time, I broke up with boyfriend #5, we got past the minor issues (if you can call them that) and finally got past the major one... the 2 years age difference. He called me and asked me out with my sister's encouragement, but after only about a week and a half, in the middle of an IM conversation, it was over... or was it? Maybe he didn't get past the age difference after all. He says it's not over, he just needs some time to get through with sports and then he'll have more time for me, but I can't help thinking it's more than that because I know he has lots of girls his age who like him, and I know that during that week and a half we were "going out," several people who don't even know me gave him a really hard time about me being too young and "immature" for him. Since then, I've been so upset that if he really does want to go back out with me after his football and soccer are over for this year, I'm probably screwing up every chance I have because I've accused him of leading me on and not being honest with me, and every time he even mentions another girl, or calls and asks to talk to my sister, I get jealous and practically accuse him of intentionally trying to hurt me and maybe he's not... maybe he's just as confused as I am... I wish I knew. If he's playing me, I hope he's ashamed... but if he's not, I hope he'll forgive me. I hope he reads this... I hope he doesn't.