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| NEW LiveJournal | Aug '03 | Jul '03 | Jun '03 | May '03 | Apr '03 | Mar '03 | Feb '03 | Jan '03 | Blog*Archive" | Ali*World | |
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"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son..." (John 3:16) 4/1/03 What's your comfort level? Even before my Spring Break trip, I started having a mental block when it comes to thinking of things to write about in my blog... partly because most of the noteworthy events in my life lately are a little too personal to share with everyone. I joined the Student Center Network a few months ago and besides occasionally chatting with people from all over the country and in other parts of the world, one of the things I do while I'm logged on there is post questions and answer those other people have posted. My friend Nick (in New York) posted a question that started me thinking... he has a way of doing that (LOL). I started to answer his question there, but in order to really answer it, I would have filled up his page, so I decided to answer it here instead. This was his question: Are you one of those people who shy away from or are afraid to say, "I love you"? Or do you say, "I love you" so freely that it means absolutely nothing? The comment I left on his Q&A page was: "Hmmm... You should know by now not to bait people like me with questions like this because it makes me think so much that even my simplest answer will end up being so long and complicated that I might as well write an essay about it or post it as a topic in my blog! :-PPP Hey, I think I will... *light bulb moment*... thanks for the inspiration (hehe), but I WILL tell you here that with me it NEVER means "absolutely nothing." And whether or not I will SAY it, or just what it DOES mean when I do depends very much on how well I know that person, AND the situation... but people who really know me realize there's a LOT more going on in my head when it comes to that subject, so for a more thoughtful explanation you're gonna have to read my blog! So, there!" Now for my long, complicated (and probably confusing!) answer: Whenever we meet someone, I think we subconsciously or maybe even consciously begin to study that person's comfort level, and we do and say things to challenge that level of comfort so that we can figure out how much we're willing to risk when, or if, we approach them with our own feelings. No one seeks after an uncomfortable relationship, so depending on what kind of response we're hoping for, we make adjustments until we know the limits of the relationship, and then decide if it's worth maintaining. If I approach you with friendship, and you respond in kind, I know I'm within your limits, but if I approach and you withdraw, I've stressed your comfort level and I have to decide whether to keep pushing or slack off. It's pretty much the same with telling someone you love them. I'm usually a very talkative and friendly person, but with certain guys I can also be a friendly flirt, and more than once I've unintentionally led a guy to believe I liked him in a more serious way than I actually did. If I REALLY like a guy, I may start out with subtle, friendly flirting while I try to get to know him, but eventually I'm pretty good about making it very obvious. In fact, given enough time and the right opportunity, I'll probably just come out and say it, but I'm stingy and shy with my deeper emotions and reserve them mainly for family and very, very close friends. That stinginess sometimes unintentionally offends people, but under most circumstances, for me just to say "luv ya," or offer a hug means I've already made a commitment to our friendship and exposed my vulnerability (<--heh, I like that word... lol). With a few people I've met, something just clicks and a connection of friendship can be made very quickly, whether it's in person or mostly online, but with others it takes a lot longer, or just never happens. There are people I would never feel right about telling them I love them, even if they say they love me, and there are a some I've only known a few weeks or months, that I could say "luv ya" to without hesitation, and I'm sure they would be comfortable with it and take it the way it's offered. "Luv ya" and "I love you" are not words I can easily say to just anyone, though, and if someone says it to me, I don't always feel comfortable saying it back. It always feels a little risky for me to be the FIRST to initiate saying it, but if I do, then you can be sure there is meaning behind it. To me, "luv ya" is more or less a stepping stone that may later lead to me saying "I love you," which has a lot more serious connotation and takes a LOT of conversation and interaction between us to develop. If I choose to say "I love you" then you'll know without a doubt that I've given it considerable thought and crossed a determining point in my relationship with you. You will also know that you have made a huge impact on me and have become very important to me. But if you're a guy and I say it to you, THIS is very IMPORTANT to know... it does NOT necessarily mean I'm "in love with you" or that I even want to date you... but it could. If I want to date you, I'll find other ways to let you know because I'm a lot less shy about letting guys know I'm interested in them like that than I am about saying "I love you." AND if I date you, I may still not quickly say "I love you." It really depends on how comfortable the guy seems to feel about physical and verbal expressions and how comfortable he makes me feel when I'm with him. I'm a person who's all about visuals, touch, and words (haha... you'd never guess THAT, right???), but even I don't like to be rushed into saying and doing things too quickly in a relationship, so shyness needs to be respected... up to a point. If you're a guy who tells me you like me or love me, and I've hinted or made it obvious that I like you too, and yet you still find it hard to talk to me, hesitate to even occasionally hold my hand or give me a hug, don't flirt with me or like me to flirt with you in ways that most people wouldn't consider embarrassing or inappropriate when they like each other, or *gasp* never try to kiss me even after several opportunities... yeah, I think I'll get the message that you mean only as a friend and not as a girlfriend or even as a potential girlfriend... so be careful what message you want me to receive when you tell me you like me or love me. AHHHH!! I could probably write several pages on this but I'll spare you! haha! Anyway, if you've read all this and you're still wondering, "Does Ali 'luv' me?" Believe me, if I've made an effort to include you by name in one way or another on my website, I surely do... if your name isn't there, but I've said it to you in person, it probably means I just have more opportunities to tell you in person than online. And if you're asking, "Does she 'LOVE' me?" it's not for sure, but there's a pretty good chance if you're at least on the first page of my shoutouts (lol)... and I might not have actually said the words, but I feel it in my heart. On the other hand, if you've been listed in my shoutouts previously and now you're not, don't ask... LOVE / 'luv / (noun, verb, and everything in between) 1: being there for each other (no matter what); 2: holding hands, walking in the rain, and not even knowing it's raining; 3: that certain look; 4: a fairy tale that does come true; 5: trust; 6: passion; 7: indefinable in its purest form. "When love arrives, the heart is the first to know. Love is that certain strong feeling you get for a certain incredible someone you've met, a someone you're certain you never could let out of your life or your heart. Love shows in so many ways that those who love always see it... It speaks in so many voices that those who love always hear it..." (~anon.) PS: April 1st - HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JENNA!!! 4/8/03 Infidel humor Every once in a while I browse the Web for ideas on blogging since I'm fairly new at this stuff... I found a really interesting and humorous "fake" blog called Saddam's Cyber Palace, written as if by Saddam Hussein himself, but it's hilarious! Don't get me wrong, I don't think this war is funny, but the way this anonymous blogger writes certainly is. For a sample of his humor, this is an excerpt of a recent entry: :: Welcome to Saddam's Cyber Palace :: :: Saturday, April 05, 2003 :: Uday's arm just fell off. Oopsies....
"The liberty we prize is not America's gift to the world, it is God's gift to humanity." (George W. Bush)
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." (Edmund Burke)
4/11/03 I want my seat back!! I want my bus seat back!!! I'm sick of everyone taking my own personally designated spot on the bus... I mean it's not as if it's got my name on it, but you know how you like familiar places? All I wanted was my nice, comfy normal spot on the bus, and instead almost every day this week I've been forced to take a cold, impersonal seat I hate... why does everyone take my seat? On Monday, I'm serious, screw 'em I want MY seat! Today was just kinda a crappy day... I was in a bad mood the whole day, I was tired, cold, and hungry... *lol* (this sounds like I'm a hobo...) and the highlight of my day was my boyfriend asking me to a movie. I get home, I talk to him and he was over at a friend's house, he was gonna go with me, this friend, and another friend, but the friend he was with decides HE DOESN'T WANNA GO! So... I don't get to see my boyfriend I'm not usually this whiny, but today was baaaaaaaaad... hey whatdya know... my mood ring says "back off!" PS: I started another blog on SCN... yeah, I don't really like the format, but it's one other people can join if they want and make their own entries so if anyone wants to join it, maybe it can be fun.
... let your hands create eternity... make my feet leave the ground and let me fly... make it all beautiful I'm blessed with quite a few friends that go to school with me, or live near me, but I also have a lot of friends all over the country and even in a couple of other countries that I wouldn't ordinarily have if a wonderful thing called the Internet didn't exist. I live in the 9th largest city in Texas, and the 91st largest city in the US (pop. 221,300+)... I wouldn't even know some of the kids in my own town if it weren't for the Internet. Clearly I spend quite a bit of time at my computer, but I actually do have a life beyond my cyberworld. In fact, I'd much rather be away from my computer hanging out with my friends, but sometimes the only way to connect with them is via my computer. I'm a fairly outgoing person and obviously I like to talk... so much so that sometimes I have to be told to shut up (Yes, some of you already know this...), but usually people LIKE it when I talk... or am I just being delusional again? lol. There are a few very special friends of mine that I LOVE to chat with on a regular basis. I won't name names, but I have to wonder about some OTHER people's IM etiquette. Now if you're on my shoutout pages, I'm not talking about youuuu, but why it is that when most OTHER people IM me, they have almost total disregard for what other things I might simultaneously be doing while I'm sitting at my computer? They act as though my soul purpose in cyberworld is to squelch their boredom. They may only have me to talk to, but I usually have several conversations going on at one time (!) AND I might be working on homework and/or watching a movie or listening to music, and/or talking on the phone. (I'm a multi-tasker... I am capable of doing more than one thing at a time... but obviously NOT at a speed or quality that meets their needs!) I more than occasionally find myself annoyed at their interruption, screaming with frustration at the monitor, Those people are either too demanding of my attention that they get pouty or pissed off if I don't respond within seconds... so friggin' boring... or they can be the nicest, friendliest, chattiest people, but still something is missing... and for no apparent reason, I find myself getting angry with them for bothering me. That's never true with my REAL friends though... the ones who know I'm there for them, and they're there for me... the ones who understand when I need to be silent, the ones who understand when I need to talk... the ones who know if it's important enough, I'll drop whatever I'm doing (if I can!) and come talk to them, even if I have to lose sleep just to be a virtual shoulder to cry on... the ones who can regularly talk to me for hours about nothing, but it's always interesting... the ones who only talk a little, but it just feels good to know they're there and you can say random things to them about whatever you're doing at the moment... If you're one of those who contacts me and all you can think of to say is "soooooo......," or just leave it at "..." and expect me to entertain you with my not-always-existent exciting life, don't be surprised if I don't answer... or *gasp* suddenly leave! Did I block you or have a well-timed computer failure? HA! you may never know.
There are so many things I don't know how to handle when it comes to my own life... so many times when I don't know the words to say or I say all the wrong things, yet I find myself trying anyway, even though sometimes all I accomplish is making a bigger mess of things. It amazes me that some of my friends think me "wise" and seek my advice, cuz most of the time I feel anything but. It's hard to know how to handle friendships when they change. You can feel it when you're not as close as you once were. Sometimes people I think are friends turn out not to be, and sometimes the ones I'd least expect to be a friend turn out to be the very dearest to my heart. I guess the hardest part of friendship is figuring out which ones are the keepers. I have wonderful people in my life, people I consider keepers. I only wish I could learn to trust that they think I'm a keeper, too. I certainly don't claim to be the best friend I could always be. I screw up sometimes. I try really hard to be a good friend, but I have cycles like everyone else... sometimes we're givers and sometimes we're receivers, and it's always a wonderful thing to be lucky enough to have at least some friends who just seem to understand and effortlessly assume whichever role is called for... alright, maybe not entirely without effort, but at least they make it convincing! It's just amazing how a really good friendship can make me feel, the way I can sink into it, like a warm, snuggly blanket. 4/27/03 Dustin HUA*/Hooah... w/e... Ask me for the PASSWORD.
A place to comment on one of my blog topics...
or anything you want to discuss.
(Foul language disabled)
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I think I've made it perfectly clear how I feel about this war, and in case there is any doubt, just look at my comments on 
... *waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..* 
I'm around... somewhere... and I might come back for you... unless you're rude, boring, or just plain impossible to talk to!!!
"I was minding my own business... and then you IM'd me, so either think of something to say or please just go away!!" 
Oh, well... I've got other positive things on my mind... blah blah blah... like trying not to be jealous when 
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