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5/1/03
Rock me...
When I'm in my room alone and I hear music that I really love, I have to turn it up waaaay loud... I have to sing and I can't sit still... I'm a wiggler and a dancer... I want to get up and move and swaaaay and believe the song is all about meeeee. Sometimes it's nice to wrap myself up in it and pretend it's real...
I don't like a lot of country songs, but these are soooo pretty... download them... now.
Rock You Baby
(Toby Keith)
I met you in a café at a table meant for two;
You were sittin' by your lonesome when I sat down with you.
You tried hard not to show it, but I couldn't help but see
That you wore a broken heart out on your sleeve,
And your loneliness could not disguise the beauty and the charm.
I thought if I ever get you, shattered lady, in my arms,
[chorus]
I'm gonna rock you, baby, to sleep,
I'm gonna make you crazy over me,
I wanna hold you like you've never been held before
And love you 'til you tell me you can't love anymore.
I'm gonna shake your emotion right down to your soul
Then I'm gonna love you all over in and out of control.
If this is how love is supposed to feel,
Oh, baby, I know I've fallen head over heels.
I'm gonna rock you, baby.
Over open conversation and a bottle of red wine,
You said, "This world is full of users," and I know that I've had mine.
We danced a little slow dance until they closed that café down;
You said, "What would be the chances that tonight I finally found
Someone who makes me feel like my life has just begun?"
I said, "Girl, believe in me and I'll show you how it's done."
[chorus]
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You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This
(Toby Keith... again... hehe)
I got a funny feeling the moment that your lips touched mine;
Something shot right through me - my heart skipped a beat in time.
There's a different feel about you tonight;
It's got me thinkin' lots of crazy things.
I even think I saw a flash of light - It felt like electricity.
[chorus]
You shouldn't kiss me like this unless you mean it like that,
'Cause I'll just close my eyes and I won't know where I'm at.
We'll get lost on this dance floor spinnin' around,
And around, and around, and around.
They're all watchin' us now - they think we're falling in love.
They'd never believe we're just friends.
When you kiss me like this, I think you mean it like that.
If you do, baby, kiss me again.
Everybody swears we make the perfect pair,
But dancing is as far as it goes.
Girl, you've never moved me quite the way you move me tonight.
I just wanted you to know.
I just wanted you to know.
[chorus]
Kiss me again.
I want... THAT (but without the wine... lol) *deep, heavy sigh* Oh well, I feel achingly wonderful tonight for some reason... I think I'm going to hit the bed really soon. Please don't fall over from the shock of me saying that before midnight... of course, that's subject to change depending on who decides to contact me on AIM... lol.
5/3/03
I'm such a girl!
I'm sitting here freshly showered and smelling divine. I love smelling nice. For as long as I can remember I've collected colognes, shower gels and lotions. I usually have at least six or seven to choose from on any given day. My favorite scents right now are Victoria's Secret's Endless Love and Estée Lauder's Dazzling Gold. I also like Bath & Body Works' Moonlight Path and Cotton Blossom. Right now I smell of Simply Basic's Vanilla Sugar. It's a creamy scent... just a warm, cozy, delicious smell... kinda like a warm, freshly baked cookie. I like all of those and more, but tonight when I came home after spending all day with my boyfriend at Six Flags I smelled like Dustin. Mmmm. I seriously thought about sleeping in my clothes. © © ©
5/4/03
Trying hard just to find myself...
Some people can't get used to the fact that I'm a restless, fidgety person... and easily bored. I don't initiate many AIM conversations, but I will talk to you if you contact me... as long as you keep my interest. Yes, I know that's a big responsibility to dump on you... It's not that I'm trying to be rude, but I just can't sit still very long unless my mind is fully occupied. If the conversation is too slow or I'm just in the wrong sort of mood for it, other things will distract me, like TV or a song, or maybe I'll start designing computer graphics or make a PowerPoint presentation just for the heck of it (yessss, slowly but quite surely I'm joining the ranks of the truly geeky), and maybe if I'm really bored I'll... *gasp* do homework or exercise. If you're one of those people I zone out on when you start talking to me on AIM, I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am. I am always busy... I just have to be. I always have a ton of stuff to do, yet for reasons that even I don't understand... ummmm... NOTHING ever gets done!
And... I have disjointed random thoughts. Observe:
Am I the only person who absent-mindedly chews on bits of my dead skin from my lips, fingertips, hips, and other rhyming body parts if they exist? Okay, I was just kidding about the hips... and I'm not sure if all that many other things rhyme...
Oh crap... I think I need to go find something useful to do.
5/5/03
Learning to breathe...
AKJSGAKSJGAKSJGaksjhdasd.
I am going to burst. I need to burst.
I HAVE THE HUGEST THING FOR DUSTIN. OH MY GOSH. OHHHHHH MY GOSH.
It's like... a THING. Not a thing... but a THING. A special thing. It's... OH... MY... GOSH! PERFECTLY SUPER AMAZING... and he doesn't even realize how bad I've got it... WAIT... does he read this?? Yes... sometimes... oh well...
He is soooo incredible. He's so sweet. His personality is like... a light. He is just... FREAKING AWESOME.
And... I need to just... VENT.
He's like the best hugger... ever... *blush* He left me a sweet, thoughtful surprise in my locker today... awwwwww. But I missed my hug after school... where did he go?
AHSDASDHASD. HE LOOKED SO WONDERFUL TODAY. ADORABLE. SIMPLY ADORABLE! I WANTED TO ATTACK HIM, HE LOOKED SO CUTE! ksdfhaskjfhsdfkjaslfh.
Man. And it's the personality. It's alllll in the personality... oh, and that incredible smile of his. lKASHAJSDklasfhaw hfkk hkandkfhsdkfhasdfk. AHSKJASHASHDKJAshdakjsdh. KALJSASHDAd.
I don't know what's wrong with me! Every time I talk to him, my pulse starts to race... and I get happy, and excited... and he just makes me laugh and makes me so happy because he's incredible, unique, and humorous. And I just love his carefree attitude, that little bit of shyness that shows through sometimes, and that crazy humor that he adds to everything. OMG he makes me happy!
YES! I'M CRAZY! I'm like two completely different people sometimes... Sometimes I'm around him and I can't even speak... and sometimes I know I overwhelm him... I'm afraid to say too much, and I'm afraid to say too little... I'm afraid to let him know just how much I care about him, and I'm afraid if I don't let him know that I'll lose him... and I'm insanely jealous whenever I feel like some other girl *cough*no one in particular*cough*okay, someone... I can't say who*cough* acts like she has designs on him... even if she's really just his friend... I always feel a lil' threatened. Something I have to work on... get over...
I'm going insane! and I love it! As usual. AHHH!... I just wish I could be with him all the time.
But naturally I can't. LOL... even I couldn't stand that much of ME.
Oh well... I think that I will survive... I don't want to scare him off... he already thinks I'm slightly on the possessive side... urg... I don't want to mess this up...
I want it to be the weekend again... we're going to a movie. *smiles*
Okay... I think I can get this under control...
Just breathe, Ali... just breathe.
Oh... my... how can I breathe now when I see his AIM profile?... it takes my breath away...
Im not gonna do any shout outs but 1 to my g/f.
ALI- U r the best person in the whole world and i will never let u go. lol.
5/6/03
Ohh Yeahh!
Muahahahahahaha! Today after school, I walked out of the cafeteria and stood next to the curb to wait for my bus... and when it pulled up, I saw Cody (the guy who, if you remember, kept stealing my bus seat) running to the bus. He stood there a second, turned toward me, held up his hand as if the sun was in his eye, looked at me, turned, and then sprinted to the back of the bus. I thought, "Oh, no!" and I walked to the back of the bus. To my surprise, he was sitting in the seat in front of my seat. Stupid me... I thought he was being nice, and I walked past him to my seat. When he realized I was not planning on sitting in the seat he was in, he DIVED into my seat...
Now, by that time, I wasn't annoyed that it was my seat... I was annoyed that he was going to so much trouble to be rude! I sat down next to him and turned to the isle. I attempted to grab his backpack because I wanted to throw it down the aisle!!... but I couldn't pry it loose. Everyone was watching. Then (hehehe) Ben said, "Okay, who wants Ali to move?" and no one raised a hand... so he asked, "Who wants Cody to move?" and Ben, Wesley, Kelsey, Brandon, AND Trevor (whom I thought was kinda, on the fence...) ALL raised their hands... eyes glared, and I'm pretty sure I saw... uhh...let's just say... someone's lips mouthing something humiliating at him... like... @$$hole. Cody was in shock! He was like, "What?!"... and still claimed he'd been paid to do it (I'm still not sure about that). But, of course, he didn't budge or get up. So I, with a new plan (hehe), put my feet on the seat across from me and forcefully pushed back, squishing Cody. Then he mockingly said, "Ali, I know you want me, but don't touch me." Can you believe him?! So I shoved again, squishing him more... muahahahaha... and then he had the nerve to say, "If you'll get up, I'll be the mature one and leave." So I looked at him... and then at the all-too adequate space next to me, and said, "You can get out through there." So he reluctantly squeezed through, and Kelsey cracked up as my scrunched up face transformed into a satisfied smile. 
Ah, victory is mine... and it smells sweet. I regained control of my bus seat today. YES!!!
5/7/03
I search for guidance*
Sometimes when I sit down to write an essay, a story or poetry, I get a few beautiful, sensible, even poetic lines, but thoughts and words don't always tie in... Every once in a while I feel like I actually have a breakthrough. Last Friday, after watching this interesting video about Anne Frank (in which her former boyfriend called her sexy, which btw creeped ALL of us out...), my English teacher ACTUALLY gave us a rare, non-pointless assignment. We were supposed to write about what we would do if someone (Anne Frank, or someone in that type of situation) came to us and asked us to risk our lives and theirs, to hide them from the... barbarians, which is the only word I can think of to describe them. When I get the paper back, I'll type it up for you (the only copy I have right now is the rough draft and it isn't as good as what I turned in). When asked if I would do that, my answer was, "Yes"... what would you say?
*that's what I called the paper I turned in... I think... lol.
5/10/03
People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care
I can make a huge deal about absolutely nothing... just like everyone else, but I hate it whenever I get in an argument with one of my friends or when my friends fight with each other. It always leaves someone feeling put in a position to take sides and that's a very uncomfortable place. It also saddens me whenever someone I really care about seems depressed about something.
I absolutely love being here for people, and the fact that my friends trust and respect my opinion or advice enough to ask for it, but sometimes it seems as though I can never do enough... as if I can never have enough time to be there for enough people and do the things I have to do to make a difference. I'm not even scratching the surface... and sometimes... in my attempts to help, I get accused of being fake or having an attitude that I think I'm better than everyone else.
I'm not perfect and I don't give perfect advice. You'll just have to ignore or excuse me if I get a little too cheerleaderish in my attempts to make a difference in this world... or if out of frustration, I end up getting angry and yelling. I'll never be perfect and I screw up daily, but just the fact that I'm trying and sticking my neck out a little bit, and people actually care and notice... well, that's usually more than enough for me. But, like everyone else, sometimes I need to be carried too. I'll do my best to give more than I take... otherwise, whats the point? I love you guys.
Wow... I used to be soooo afraid of saying "I love you." Well, in a way I still am... cuz I'm still very selective when it comes to whom I say it. I guess I'm still struggling with the words... afraid to give the wrong impression (friend love vs. romantic love) and afraid of over-using it so that no one believes I mean it. It's a lot easier to say it in writing, but still those words are scary. What if I say it and it's not said back?? Or worse yet... what if it's said back, but it isn't real? I guess sometimes it's okay to say it... even if it isn't said back. I think the worst time I have with it comes from experiences I've had when a guy who truly annoys me or that I'm not close to, tells me he loves me... I don't want him to like me that way... I don't WANT to say it back, but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings either and it's hard to know how to handle that... OR... when I try to help a guy that no one likes and he says he loves me because I'm the first person to show compassion... then when he realizes I don't have those kind of feelings for him he thinks I'm a b!tch cuz I won't go out with him and I supposedly led him on! AHHH! That happens way too often. Haha... can you tell I'm a conflicted person?
I just noticed what time it is... I'm supposed to go to a movie tonight with Dustin and some friends... and I'm still not done cleaning my room (btw... I think it's a conspiracy to make the day before Mother's Day a National Clean Up Your Room Day! Grrrrrrr). I'm really bad at managing my time... I spend WAY too much time on my computer, staying up way too late almost every night. Why do I stay up late?... good friends to talk to... well... MOSTLY. All things considered, it's not a bad use of my time... is it? But why do all the really fun people to talk to wait 'til late to start talking? Hmm.. oh, well... summer is coming... we must... hold on... it's all good. Oh, wow... yesterday was a cool day in College Station visiting Blake and going to her graduation... she's my future sister-in-law... she's so awesome... lookie here:
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| Cum Laude, baby! Ohh yeahh! |
I put a few new pics on my Aliworld site too. 
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PS: Dustin's profile just gets better all the time...
ALI-U r the gf a guy could have and I will always love u.
There seems to be a word missing... hmmm... i guess he just wants me to fill in the adjective of my choice. 
. *'"`*·...·*'"`*·.
:: ::.*"`*·...·*'"`*·.
*: Dustin * ::
*·:. .:· *: Ali :*
*·-:¦:-·* *·:. .:·*
*·-:¦:-·*
5/11/03
My mom is still my biggest fan
 Today is Mother's Day. My sweet bro sent my mom the prettiest flowers for Mother's Day. She was caught completely by surprise and I saw her eyes tear up when she read the card. My mom's a real softy when it comes to us kids. Oh sure, I won't say she never gets mad at us, or we at her, but we have a pretty special relationship with her... no problem so big that a lil' hugging and crying won't fix. I made her a gift, but I left it at school so it'll be a lil' late. I love my mom... it was a GREAT day! Woke up and went to Einstein Bros. Bagels (yummm, I got my usual Veg Out... yeah, I know I say I don't like a lot of veggies, but I do have my faves... when they're FRESH... okay... some frozen too... but canned ones are yucky! lol)... and we talked over a bunch of interesting articles in a magazine my mom brought along. We came home and hung out with my mom all day... my dad helped her in the yard (filling holes dug by my dog... grrrrrrrr!) and then we went grocery shopping and Jenna and I made dinner (fresh vegetable risotto and a fresh spinach salad with mandarin oranges) AND a cake for Mom. It was a wacky chocolate cake... THE best cake ever! You have to try it! Don't forget the ice cream though.
Wacky Chocolate Cake
 A family recipe handed down by my Great-Grandma... I guess it's wacky cuz there are no eggs in it and it has vinegar and a LOT of vanilla... non-traditional things for a cake, but take my word for it, it's YUMMY! According to what I've been told, my great-grandma usually left out an ingredient or two whenever she passed on a recipe... hehe... she claimed it was completely innocent and unintentional  ... nobody believed her... lol... sly, sweet, old woman! The secret ingredient she frequently "forgot" in this recipe was coffee. The pic is her at 16... think we're anything alike?
Ingredients:
2 C. sugar
3 C. all-purpose flour
6 Tbsp. cocoa (1/4 C. + 2 Tbsp.)
2 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
2 tsp. white vinegar
2 Tbsp. vanilla extract (yes, 2 tablespoons!)
10 Tbsp. cooking oil (1/2 C. + 2 Tbsp.)
2 C. cold water or weak coffee (about 1/2 cup cold coffee + 1-1/2 cups cold water)
Directions:
Spray cake pan with cooking oil spray or grease with shortening and dust with flour. In a large bowl, mix ingredients in order with water (or weak coffee) last. Bake at 350° F. for 35-40 min. or until cake tests done. When cool, frost with vanilla or chocolate buttercream frosting. Yield: 9" x 11" cake or 2-1/2 dozen cupcakes.
Btw, I got my room cleaned yesterday... mostly... adequately, I guess *lol* and I went to see X2: X-men United with Dustin Saturday night. I met some of his friends and I had a good time. Sorry if I haven't been talking on AIM as much as usual... I'm still here... just busy being a lil' selfish... it feels kinda good though. heh.
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PS: Sorry about your grandma, Leah... I know you'll miss her.
5/12/03
Don't talk to me... My attitude is overwhelming and addictive... You'll be sucked in
I was determined in my experiment. So yeah... a few nights ago I posted the above warning on my AIM profile. I have decided that I am not that great at convincing people. An amazing number of people ignored my advice and tried to talk to me anyway. I may have convinced a few that I'm addictive, a few more that I'm overwhelming... but I'm pretty sure that I have convinced 100% of them that I am weird.
Sending light just like a star, tell me where you are.
5/14/03
Keep your nuts away from me
Muahahaha! Do you recall my frustrating encounters with Cody when he'd sit in (I still maintain that it's MINE!) the bus seat I always sit in (must make this technically correct... even though it's correct the other way...)? This afternoon he sat down AGAIN in the seat in front of [my] the seat and dived into it just as I was about to sit... so I ran and jumped into the seat! He still made it in, but was on his knees with his legs out to the side. (Here comes my favorite part...) I put my legs up on the seat in front of me, just like I did the last time to  either squish him out of my seat or to just plain crush him, but this time he screamed out, "MY RIGHT NUT, you are ON my RIGHT NUT!" So I thought, "Oh, am I?" And I pushed again and again 'til the pain was too agonizing to be worth staying.
And again, I say MUAHAHAHAHA!
5/15/03
I'm still smiling...
I want to be there when you laugh.
5/16/03
Weird eating habits
Sometimes I think I have the weirdest eating habits. I mean, it's something I don't even usually think about, it just comes so naturally that it's evolved into some kind of ritual.
For instance, I have this habit of eating the best parts of a meal first. I guess I like instant gratification or something, but take pancakes for example... I've observed that most people drown them in syrup and then start whittling away at the edges, but my first bite is always the fluffy center. That's right, I actually go to the trouble of cutting a perfect square right smack dab in the middle of my stack of pancakes. And forget the syrup altogether... who needs it?!
I have the same philosophy when it comes to eating meals with vegetables. If the veggies aren't part of the main dish, I always try to eat the veggies last, so that if I get full I won't even have to eat 'em at all. And if they are mixed in a casserole or stew, well... if they're beans, peas, or carrots, they're more than likely to be carefully removed one by one and tossed into the trash at the end of the meal.
Oh, I can't forget the ramen noodles! I love those things!! But I never use the little seasoning packet... I drain the noodles and mix in a lil' butter... that's all... plain and simple... and yummy!
I will eat and love strange things like calamari, broccoli and mushrooms, and I'd probably try sushi if given an opportunity, but I REFUSE to eat beans... they are just the most disgusting... ewwwwwwww.... ick! yuck, yuck, yuck!! Just thinking about eating them leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth.
I probably have more weird eating habits and tastes in foods, but I can't think of them right now. Anyone else have weird eating habits you wanna share? 
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PS: Only two more days to observe Online Romance Week... I'm still... uhhhh... waiting for... someone... to uhh... oh, nevermind LOL.
I let you in where no one else goes.
5/17/03
I want it, I love it, I'll take it!
I love beautiful oriental fans and I want to collect them! So far I have three very nice ones, and each one has a special meaning. When I was little, my dad went to Singapore and brought one back for me. Another one is too delicate to put on my wall because it's made out of paper instead of cloth. I got it at the Smithsonian Museum over the summer vacation that we took right before my brother left for Army basic training. And the third one I bought in Maryland to remember my spring break trip this year.
The shopping bug bit me again, and so today I hit several import shops. Basically the whole point of my outing was to find more fans. I went to World Market, Pier 1 Imports, and a couple other smaller shops at a mall, but I couldn't find ANY(!) except when I went to this one shop at the mall I did find some huge 4' wide fans hanging on the wall of the shop... but I don't WANT the huge ones, so I looked around for the smaller ones, but noooooo... all they had were the giant ones! Can you believe that?! No one has the little ones... that's just bizarre! My goal is to have at least a couple hundred of them by the time I die.
Naturally, when I couldn't find any fans, I had to spend my money on other things... I think I'm a compulsive shopper as well as a compulsive decorator. I bought some earrings and a necklace to replace the ones that somebody stole out of my athletics locker last month (grrrr...), and I bought a miniature Eiffel Tower, a bunch of artificial flowers and these little gem thingies that go in the bottom of each of the vases, and they're beautiful... I think I bought too many flowers though, because I don't have enough vases... so I'm either gonna have to buy more vases or work the rest of the flowers into something else.
For a while now, I've tried to decide what I wanna do with my life and I've gone through soooo many occupations in my mind. Over the years I've wanted to be a teacher, a veterinarian, a stay-at-home mom, a chef... I could go on forever, but I think I've finally settled on architect/interior decorator/landscape artist. I think I'm gonna stay with that one because I've thought about doing that for a couple of years now and I still haven't changed it.
Whenever my friends come to my house, they all love my bedroom. It is a continual work in progress and frequently in disarray, cuz at the weirdest times I get the urge to change something. While my friends always seem to be amazed at what I've done with my room, I'm never satisfied with it! Recently I've made a lot of improvements, but still it's not enough...
Last December, I strung lights on my headboard and decided to keep them there, but today I took them down and I'm gonna hang them on my wall around the ceiling instead. About a month ago, I bought a couple of new lamps and two different lampshades, and this little shelf thing to put in front of my dresser mirror. I made a collage that I've put on my wall above my bed. I've also hung up two of my fans, but I swear I have put up more stuff and ripped it down more times than you could imagine! Ahhh! My room isnt big enough for all I want to do with it!
5/18/03
Have you ever?
Have you ever stayed up so late that it's almost worthless to go to sleep because you have to get up in a few hours anyway? So you just stay up almost until the sun shines and go about the next day in a dazed, drowsy way wondering why you didn't get those few of hours of sleep when you had the chance? Yeah, well I think most of my days are like that... and look what happens!
Have you ever just been thinking randomly and find that you've composed an entire conversation in your head? Like maybe after someone's told you they're worried or scared about something, but you're so surprised or shocked by it that even though you care about them, you can't find the right words to say at that moment, but as soon as the opportunity passes, you think of everything you should have said. It seems that very recently, a lot of my friends' grandparents have either taken seriously ill or have passed on. I lost a grandparent a couple of years ago, but still I don't know what to say to my friends except that I know they're sad and worried, I'm sorry they're going through that, and that they and their grandparents are in my prayers... it's just that sometimes in person, those things don't always get said right.
After what I just said, this is probably a very inappropriate time to expose my crooked halo, but another time I find myself composing conversations in my head is after a disagreement over something... (perhaps even something so stupid as a bus seat). That's when I will invariably figure out everything I wanted to say, complete with smart comments and sarcastic remarks, but at least a half-hour after the real conversation has ended. I don't know if anyone knows what I am talking about, but it happens to me all the time.
If I got more sleep, I'd probably be a much less ditsy person. I'm probably the most scatterbrained honor student you'll ever meet. I remember the most random facts and forget the most obvious things.
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 Randomness: Today I did some gardening and my mom brought out the camera when I wasn't expecting it... I got one good pose in (click the pic to see it larger, and click here for another pic)... See? I'm not completely lazy... I watered most of the plants and planted a whole bed of vinca... so there!  I would've done more, only I swear those creepy white spiders only showed up cuz I was there... and I saw a huge, dark, hairy one stalking me on the hibiscus, so I refused to till the soil there. Oh, and you'll probably notice how ghostly white I still look... but I'm working on the tan.
I heard the Mavs rocked last night, Dustin... oh yeah!
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Have you ever forgotten you had homework, and then at 10:30 p.m. discovered you had 30-something math problems to do?!?!? Man oh man, I'm pathetic... cuz, yeah... I just did that, and I'd better get busy! Guess I'm gonna be up awhile again tonight. Oh well, who needs sleep? Have you ever wondered why I ramble on and on and on and just never shut up? Do you think it might have something to do with my addiction to diet Cherry Coke and Pepsi? Have you ever wondered why you keep reading my blog? (Yeah, well if you figure it out, let me know!)
5/20/03
Are youuuu for real??
I joined SCN several months ago hoping to find a few interesting people. If you've read my blog before, you know I've mentioned the site several times and I've even gotten a few of my friends to join it too. Anyway, I've met (online... not in person) several SCN members who were completely fake (and it didn't take a genius to figure it out), some just looking for relationships that they can't seem to find in person (for a variety of reasons), and a LOT of perverts and people with bad attitudes... but among those I've met, I've also found a few genuine people who shared enough common interests that they've become really good online friends. Those few really good friends I've made have made the whole site worthwhile to me... I've just learned to ignore the garbage (even though there's a LOT of garbage!).
I think I'm pretty good at figuring out if people on SCN are genuine or not... I've probably been fooled by several, but some seem genuine, and I'm grateful to them for letting me into their private worlds for a while. Funny how sometimes you can feel close to someone you've never met in person... who knows what could come of it?
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PS: I noticed last night that a word has been added... 
ALI-U r the best gf a guy could have and I will always love u.
Awww... thank you, Dustin!  ... I also had a great day today with you at Main Event and the volleyball game... you are sooooooooo sweet! xxooxoxox
I've got a picture of you I carry in my heart.
5/21/03
My bubble burst
I'm having trouble spitting out what's going through my head. In a couple of days I was expecting to be celebrating two months of going out with the sweetest and most considerate boyfriend I've ever had, but everything just suddenly changed when tonight Dustin asked me if we could just be really good friends. I didn't even see it coming. Don't be mad at him... it's just gonna be a lil' hard for me to get used to this. *sigh* I could really use a hug right now.
Relationships and heartache; these two things are one and the same.
5/22/03
It can only get better, right?
I'm trying hard just to find a place for myself, but I seem to forfeit all my findings. I was supposed to be happy today cuz I got all these awards at school and my parents came to the assembly and everything... I managed a few smiles, but I didn't feel happy... it was just a sucky day... one of the most awkward days of my life. He sat at a different lunch table and didn't talk to me the whole day. *Somebody please help me see the positive side to this.* At least when I'm at a low point, I know things can only get better from here.
Oh well, here are some pics anyway...
Goodness, somebody shoulda said, "Cheese!"
Becca, Leah, Taylor, Me, and Liz
Awards Day Assembly
That's a lil' better... just overlook the "red-eye."
One of today's awards: ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING
"... for consistently showing enthusiasm
and working with an unwavering
Positive Attitude.
You've clearly made a BIG difference."
*Heh*
Someday I'll look back on this year and laugh... Hahahaha... Geesh...
5/23/03
My bro's supposed to get home tonight (on leave for Memorial Day weekend). He missed his connecting flight but he's on another as I post this! YAY! So, anyway, I'm gonna spend as much time with him as possible so I probably won't be posting for a few days. This is one entry I've been writing and re-writing for a while... it's long, and it ought to hold ya 'til I come back... besides, I've written more this month than usual anyway!
The Student Center Network
I don't know how many of my real-life friends have actually checked my Student Center profile, but if they read what I put in my blog, I'm guessing some of them have, and I know some have joined it too... even Dustin. I've written about it quite a bit before, so today's entry is somewhat redundant, but I've got my thoughts together a little better so I'm gonna talk about it again :-PPPPPPP. Just think of it as a way to view my writing progression and pretend that any previous entries about SCN were rough drafts. Hehe.
At the Student Center there's something for just about everyone. You can spend as little or as much time there as you want, meet a diversity of people, chat online, play games, discuss a variety of topics in forums, share interests with group participants, and show off your talents. I'm sure there are even more ways to involve yourself that I haven't yet discovered.
For online safety on the site, we adopt usernames and choose whether or not to reveal personal information. I'd like to believe that most of us who've joined are honest, decent people, but I wish somehow we could find a way to get those of us who can hardly be described as honest to stop using anonymity as an excuse to behave in inappropriate ways without having to be held accountable for it! Grrrrrrrrr.
If you decide to join, don't believe everyone on there is honest... it won't take long to figure out that you have to sort through a lot of garbage to find a few treasures. There are definitely too many Student Center members who use fake ID's, stolen pics, and pretend to be different ages than what they really are, but with some cautious effort, I think I've found a few genuine people who've become good online friends and they make the whole site worthwhile for me. Funny how sometimes you can feel close to someone you've never met in person... and who knows what could eventually come of it?
Okay, yeah, whom am I kidding? To be totally truthful, other than the friends that I already knew and convinced to join, falc (Nick) is the only one I've met online who somehow broke through barriers and found one of those virtual friendship keys I like to leave laying around in unusual places, hoping someone will stumble upon and be curious and persistent enough to try to find the secret lock to which it belongs. But I will give credit to a few others that have at least tried to make their keys work (the others on my buddylist that I haven't met in person)... and maybe theirs will eventually. Nick is just... well, we're quite a bit different, but we've got a lot in common... I'm not sure why his key works... I just know it does... and he found a way to make it work that defies time, distance and sensibility. He gives and he takes in a good way. He makes me laugh and he lets me cry on his virtual shoulder if I need to do that (like when Dustin broke up with me out of the blue), and I'm pretty sure I do the same for him. I'm always wondering how our friendship/mutually satisfying weirdness will evolve, but I know even if we never find a way to meet in person, we'll always be connected somehow, even if it's only in a memory of things we've talked about or photos we've shared with each other so often over the past few months. It would be awesome though to actually spend some time with him in person someday... if he would only get his charred Yankee heart down to Texas to visit me!! LOL. He's a keeper just like my real-life friends... because he's become a real-life friend (I just haven't met him!)... and I really believe that he thinks I'm a keeper too. I also have a feeling that one of these days, I'm gonna walk into a bookstore looking for a book of poetry, and I'll pick up one that catches my eye and find his name as the author. (Get busy, Nick! You have a lot more writing to do!) Read some of his poetry in his online "diary." The link is on his SCN profile.
People fascinate me. I've been a Student Center member for less than a year, and I know I'm not the only one there who can spot most of the fake pics and lies that some people try to present as being real. Some are so obvious that you wonder how anyone could miss the clues or the photos of the same "sexy" models that keep appearing on numerous profiles, but with different names and personal info. Others actually go to quite a bit of trouble to create a false identity and those take a little time and effort to figure out... and I admit there are still one or two on my own SCN buddylist that I'm wondering about.
Sometimes the fakers irritate me beyond belief, but it also makes me wonder about the motivation behind doing such a thing. I'm sure there are many reasons. Is it a sick, addictive game for them to find a victim and manipulate another person's emotions just for their own perverted pleasure? Are they shy and insecure? Do they feel unacceptable as they are? Do they lack the courage to show the personality they really want to have? Do they really value the false "friendships" or "loves" they find online because they are better than NO friendship or love? Why do some people spend most of their time reading profiles and forum entries just to find some excuse to insult someone? Why do others get sucked into online relationships that are nothing but fantasy? Why do some play mind games until someone is humiliated or emotionally hurt? Why do some who feel victimized throw online tantrums and plot schemes of revenge, while others simply give up and leave? What becomes of the manipulators? What becomes of the victims? Even though I know all this, how easy would it be for me to become a victim? Have I already become one and I haven't yet realized it?
When you join the Student Center and create a personal profile, it's up to you what you choose to reveal about yourself, but some just completely make up facts to fill in the blanks and hide behind pictures of someone else. You may think you have a good reason to do that, but if I discover that you've intentionally misled me, or presented yourself to me as someone you're not, I will confront you about it. If you're not willing to risk being yourself with me once you realize that it's not my goal to expose you to everyone as a fraud, then just don't contact me in the first place. It may be a game for you to try to fool someone, but if they find you out, what have you gained? If you're looking for a fantasy, there are plenty of other people willing to give it to you, but you won't find it with me. I'm just a teenage girl. I may not be who you want me to be, but I can be myself. I'm not perfect... I have flaws like everyone else, but I'm ME... and all I ask is for you to be YOU.
If there isn't enough info about me on my SCN profile to satisfy you, tag my guestbook with a question, check out my Q&A page, read my blog, or send me an email... but PLEASE, if you send me an email, tell me your SCN username so I don't have to play detective to figure out who you are... and if you're an unregistered guest, why don't you register, join some of the groups, and start meeting people?
*Hey, do you think SCN would pay me to advertise for them? LOL.*
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PS: Dustin and I are talking again. It's less awkward on AIM than in person, but we're getting there. It's just an adjustment to become friends (again) after being more... at least I thought we were more. I just want to thank all the other friends who've been sucked into my weird life for a few years who've been there for me through this (and other problems)... especially Taylor, Leah, and Liz... and those who went with me on the school spring break trip whom I feel especially close to now... Nick, Matt, (Taylor again... lol), and even Dustin himself. Others at school have been there for me too, and I want you to know I've noticed (especially those on my basketball team, at my lunch table, and on the bus... lol, and of course the ones whom I talk to all the time online... or at least they TRY to talk to me... sometimes I'm "away"). I can't name you all, cuz I'd probably leave someone out and I know how that feels. Give me some time and I'll bounce back... I always do. Oh, and one more thing... I am CPR certified as of today!!! I passed my test. How cool is that? lol.
The things that happen in my imagination are stranger yet... lol.
5/26/03
Hahahaha
|
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¯ You could be a sexy saucepot,
with loads and loads of style,
but what makes you really scrummy,
is a super smashing smile! ¯ |
Awww.... see what I mean about Nick? I got the corniest sweetest "cheer-me-up" musical e-card from him...
Lmao ... there isn't any point to this greeting except that I thought you needed a laugh or two. Haha, these things never cease to amaze me in their corniness. :-D Smile for me, will ya? I'm really going to bed this time :-P... <3 Love youuu, starlight.
 I hope you don't mind that I shared that, Nick, but I don't think I've EVER been called a sexy, scrummy saucepot with a smashing smile before... and it's probably a compliment I'll never hear again!! Thank you... I needed a good laugh! Darnit... why do you have to live in NY?!?
<-- Oh look! A new pic!! YAY!
It doesn't take much to make me grin from ear to ear.
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PS: My bro got home safe and we had a great weekend with him. We sent him back to Cali today... next time I see him will be just before his wedding!!!
5/28/03
Final exams and personal drama
It's the final week before summer vacation. I'm busy with exams, sorting through some personal feelings, and getting ready for vacation, but I guess the year can't end without some more last-minute drama with my friends!
I know my friends care a lot about me when they try to protect me... they have no reason to lie to me and I trust they believe what they're telling me is true. I'm thankful they care enough to warn me when they think I'm making myself vulnerable, but what is confusing is that they're trying to protect me from another friend who's never done anything bad to me personally, and even if he did do some of those things to someone else, I want to believe him when he tells me he's trying to become a different person.
Do past mistakes with friends have to crimp someone's social life for the remaining years of school? I asked him about the rumors, and yes, he admits to part of what my other friends told me, but he outright denies some of it too. He told me he regrets a lot of the choices he's made in the past, but even though he knows it's wrong, he still occasionally gets in a mood and says and does things he shouldn't. (Don't we all?) He claims not all of what's been said about him is true, but he's not blaming anyone but himself for what he did actually do. I don't like what he admits to doing, but maybe it's easier for me to believe he's trying to change because I haven't known him as long as some of them have, and I wasn't around when all of that supposedly took place. And yeah, he even admits he could have said some offensive things about me behind my back to get a laugh when he first met me... he just doesn't remember what all he said, but now that he knows me, he knows his first impression of me was wrong. My friends said some of his comments about me were so bad they wouldn't tell me. Maybe it's a good thing I don't know what all he may have said. I think what they told me is offensive enough, but he apologized for what he thought about me. He didn't confirm he said anything about me, but he didn't deny that it was possible considering his first impression of me.
I don't mean to sound ungrateful for my friends' concern for me, and I promised I'd be cautious, but until they have proof that he's really not worth anyone's friendship, I hope they'll just back off, stop telling me what to do, who to talk to, who to DATE even... and give him encouragement and incentive to change. What's his motivation to change if everyone gives up on him? Why would he even try? He's going to church now and he's trying to make new friends. He's tired of being under everyone's microscope. He has confided in me and I see more what he's trying to become instead of what he's proved himself to be in the past. Maybe I'm being naïve and foolish, but I don't think so. He could have just denied it all to me. He could have lied and said it was all crap, but he didn't. When he admitted things, he was afraid I'd never again see him the same way, but he told me as much as he felt comfortable telling me. He even asked me if I wanted him to leave me alone now that I knew. It took courage for him to tell me all he did. Heaven forbid, if I ever make a mistake out of weakness and then regret it, will y'all condemn and shun me too? I just wanna be a friend to him. Besides, if he ever did find some way to hurt me, he knows he'll have to answer to me, to God and y'all.
I know a lot of girls my age and older get bad reputations for things they do and for things they don't actually do, but get accused of doing for some reason. I guess guys get bad reps too. I found this article on the Internet... only part of it relates to what I'm talking about (my friend isn't gay, so it's not that part). I think the article is worth reading, as well as maybe this one.
5/29/03
... and after two months that was all he wrote
 There's only one more day of school left for the year after today, so I spent some time asking friends to sign my yearbook. I asked Dustin to sign too and he did... after everything I've written about him and for him... yeah... I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I thought he could've made a lil' more effort... I guess I should just be happy he signed it, but all it came down to was, "Hey, Have a great summer and sry 4 hurtin ur feelings." I wonder if he'll even ask me to sign his. I wonder why I still care so much, but I do... I really do. If I had known that last hug we shared was going to be our last, I would have cherished it more.
5/30/03
*Sigh of relief*
I have seen the last of 7th grade and next year I shall rule the bus with my 8th grade seniority! Muahahaha... *happy dance*
Overall I'd say it was a decent year. If given a choice I would've chosen a different ending though. I'm gonna miss my friends who are leaving me for high school next year... hopefully we'll stay in touch, but no matter what we all say, I know it may not happen... darn it... where did I put that Kleenex? I'm also gonna miss some of y'all I only get to see at school, even though I know I'll see most of you next fall. You know my phone number and my AIM screen name... we should really try to get together some this summer!
Please don't ever leave me without saying goodbye.
Ask me for the PASSWORD.
A place to comment on one of my blog topics...
or anything you want to discuss.
(Foul language disabled) |
