|
6/1/03
Satisfying my whims...
After school on Friday, Taylor and I went to Leah's for the night... always a good time whenever we get together... hehe. Yesterday, on  my first real day of summer vacation I went SHOPPING  for dresses and jewelry for my bro's wedding (shopping is of course one of my favorite things to do and always puts me in a good mood!!! This pic is of me in my new dress), and today we went to a bridal shower for Blake. Right now I pretty much feel like doing NOTHING, so that's what I'm doing. Sometimes it's good to appease your whims so that they don't sneer at you when you turn around.
I've been away a lot and not able to talk to my friends much on AIM the last couple of days... it's good to know someone misses me enough to leave me sweet messages when I'm away. Thanks! 
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
6/2/03
Soooooo glad it's summer!
 Awwww... since my really, really, really good friend Nick in NY couldn't sign my actual yearbook, he signed my virtual one! Hehehe. How sweet!
<------- I think I'm gonna print it and paste it into my real yearbook!
This morning I went to see Bruce Almighty with another good friend... also Nick... gosh, I know too many Nicks... this is confusing even for me... lol. The movie was really funny and y'all should see it!
Oh! Ya gotta see this page! It's so romantic!
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
PS: Grrrrrrr... I was looking through the tons of stuff I brought home from school last week and I can't find my paper I was so proud of writing last month... It's not in my folder... I'm beginning to think my teacher forgot to give it back to me. She's supposed to ASK if she can keep stuff!!! I also realized that I never finished writing my frog dissection blog entry, so maybe I'll just have to post it this month instead... lol... aren't y'all excited??? Darnit though... I wanted to type up that one paper and now I doubt I can even find the rough draft I had. 
6/3/03
Ever have one of those days years when almost nothing goes right?
Well very early this morning I finally found out why Dustin broke up with me and I don't know what I can do about it except show whoever's interested the conversation. It seems I have a bad reputation... I don't know how or why, but apparently I do, and I just want to set the record straight so here, read it... I'm sorry Dustin for what you were led to believe but it's not accurate. Thank you for believing me now. I hope this doesn't embarrass anyone... I tried to block out the names of anyone it might. All I want is a chance to defend myself, even though I shouldn't have to.
You have just entered room "Chat 41982724740171368092."
aggieman*** has entered the room.
FlirtatiousMe59: hey
aggieman*** : hey
FlirtatiousMe59: what's up?
aggieman*** : nothin much
FlirtatiousMe59: hey.. did you and taylor have a fight or something? leah said something to nick, but not very much... but she didn't say what happened
aggieman*** : its a long story
FlirtatiousMe59: i've got time if you wanna talk about it
aggieman*** : i dont really cuz its bout us
aggieman*** : mainly u though
FlirtatiousMe59: did she get onto you about it again?
aggieman*** : not really but it was somethin i said
FlirtatiousMe59: can i ask what you said?
aggieman*** : u could but i dont realy wanna tell u
FlirtatiousMe59: :-\
aggieman*** : but if u HAVE 2 kno i guess i can tell u
FlirtatiousMe59: i'd like to
aggieman*** : this is somethin bad though and i dont think u wanna kno that i kno
FlirtatiousMe59: that you know what?
aggieman*** : somethin
FlirtatiousMe59: well now it's gonna drive me nuts if i don't know
FlirtatiousMe59: you're not gonna tell me are you?
aggieman*** : i told u if u ABSOULTLY HAVE 2 KNO
FlirtatiousMe59: okay i HAVE to know
FlirtatiousMe59: if i don't i'm gonna go crazy
aggieman*** : its sorta hard 4 me 2 say 2 u though
aggieman*** : ask nick i just told him
FlirtatiousMe59: hold on
aggieman*** : k
aggieman*** : nothin much
FlirtatiousMe59: nothing much what?
aggieman*** : sry
aggieman*** : wrong person
FlirtatiousMe59: k
aggieman*** : please understand when nick tells u ok
aggieman*** : i kno its a lil irrational
aggieman*** : i kno u wouldnt do what hes bout 2 say
aggieman*** : brb
FlirtatiousMe59: k
aggieman*** : back
FlirtatiousMe59: hold on
FlirtatiousMe59: i can't believe this...
FlirtatiousMe59: first of all... my sister has NEVER and will NEVER [do that to] ANYONE and i know especially it WASN'T with any of your brothers friends
FlirtatiousMe59: second, the farthest i've gone is making out and i wanna be a virgin when i get married
aggieman*** : well i heard it from some1 who woodnt lie so i believe him
FlirtatiousMe59: my parents DO care
FlirtatiousMe59: well then they do lie
aggieman*** : well i heard it from p****** and he has no reasom 2 lie
FlirtatiousMe59: she didn't wanna go out with him
aggieman*** : how fo u kno
FlirtatiousMe59: and he betrayed her
FlirtatiousMe59: he liked s****
aggieman*** : u dont kno everything jenna does
FlirtatiousMe59: we talk about this a lot
aggieman*** : so it could b true
aggieman*** : so
FlirtatiousMe59: and you don't know everything p***** does
aggieman*** : he told me
FlirtatiousMe59: and even if it was true why would you think i would do that?
FlirtatiousMe59: i'm not my sister
aggieman*** : i dont
FlirtatiousMe59: and who did you hear those things about me from?
aggieman*** : p******
FlirtatiousMe59: how would he know?
aggieman*** : he went out w/ her
FlirtatiousMe59: they never went out
FlirtatiousMe59: he asked her and she said no
FlirtatiousMe59: she did like him for a while
aggieman*** : y wood p****** lie 2 my parents
FlirtatiousMe59: i don't know
FlirtatiousMe59: don't ask me
FlirtatiousMe59: he told this to your parents??
aggieman*** : yes
aggieman*** : and they told me
FlirtatiousMe59: i don't like everything my sister does but i KNOW she didn't try to get him to [do that]
aggieman*** : how wood u kno if she asked
FlirtatiousMe59: cuz i know my sister
aggieman*** : so ppl hide stuff
FlirtatiousMe59: i've heard my mom lecture her about stuff like this and jenna tells her stuff that most people wouldn't even tell their parents and i've been around to hear it...we're close like that
FlirtatiousMe59: but most important
FlirtatiousMe59: i'm not her
aggieman*** : i kno
FlirtatiousMe59: whether she did that stuff or not
aggieman*** : i kno
aggieman*** : i told u, u didnt want 2 hear it
FlirtatiousMe59: and i was dating an older guy but i broke up with him cuz he wanted to do stuff like that
FlirtatiousMe59: and i didn't want to
FlirtatiousMe59: you've seen my turn-ons on SCN, i want a guy with high moral
FlirtatiousMe59: s
aggieman*** : nvm
FlirtatiousMe59: i thought you knew me... but i can not believe you think i would try something like that
aggieman*** : i didnt but its just 2 b sure
FlirtatiousMe59: why do you have to be sure? i wouldn't do that!
aggieman*** : i dont think u wood
FlirtatiousMe59: do you think i'd feel safe with you if either one of us was like that?
aggieman*** : idk but its just 2 b safe
FlirtatiousMe59: safe from me?
aggieman*** : no safe feom doin somethin or almost doin somethin
FlirtatiousMe59: but i wouldn't do that!
aggieman*** : I DONT THINK U WOULD
aggieman*** : HET THAT THROUGH UR HEAD!!!!!!
aggieman*** : GET*
FlirtatiousMe59: all i wanted you to do that you never did was kiss me on the lips... that's it... i'm not ready for anything more than that, i'm scared to do anything more than that
aggieman*** : i never said u r or u will
aggieman*** : look im sry if u dont belive me but at least i told u y we arent together any more
FlirtatiousMe59: i believe you, i just don't know why i'm being judged by what my sister may or may not do
aggieman*** : its that some ppl say u foloow some things jenna does
FlirtatiousMe59: like what?
FlirtatiousMe59: and who?
FlirtatiousMe59: did i ever try anything with you?
FlirtatiousMe59: isn't that enough proof?
aggieman*** : no but idk the ppl who told my parets, brother or whoever but it was enough 2 convience my parents
FlirtatiousMe59: so they won't let you go out with me
aggieman*** : no they just dont feel comfortable when we r alone
FlirtatiousMe59: fine then... we didn't have to be alone... we never were anyway
aggieman*** : that 1 time at ur house
aggieman*** : that when they heard bout jenna
FlirtatiousMe59: but we didn't do anything, right?
FlirtatiousMe59: i never tried anything
aggieman*** : no
aggieman*** : i told u its mainly cuz my parents didnt like it
aggieman*** : but what made my parents really upset was when they heard ur parents r ok w/ it
aggieman*** : but idk if its true
FlirtatiousMe59: my parents AREN'T okay with it
FlirtatiousMe59: they trust me
FlirtatiousMe59: i haven't given any reason not to trust me
aggieman*** : ok but think if ur parents heard that [my bro] was allowed 2 [do that] wood they like u bein alone in my room
FlirtatiousMe59: no
aggieman*** : c
FlirtatiousMe59: but jenna's not allowed to [do that] either
FlirtatiousMe59: neither am i
FlirtatiousMe59: and i don't want to
aggieman*** : i said if ur parents heard it
aggieman*** : im not sayin its true
aggieman*** : ur parents wouldnt let us b alone rite if they heard that
FlirtatiousMe59: no they wouldn't
aggieman*** : thats how my parents feel
aggieman*** : and since i HAD no1 else 2 disagree w/ what my parents heard i had to go along w/ them
aggieman*** : but now ur sayin its bot true and idk who 2 belive
FlirtatiousMe59: i just don't know why p****** would say those things because i know p******... i've talked to him a lot and i was so happy that i got to know you... a nice guy...
FlirtatiousMe59: i told him that
aggieman*** : i kno thats y i believed him
FlirtatiousMe59: well i wanted you to know i like you and i flirt with you cuz i do... but i want to be a virgin when i marry and that's very important to me
aggieman*** : i kno me 2 thats y i got out of it now
FlirtatiousMe59: i don't want to [do that] with you or anybody
aggieman*** : ok i have always believed thta
FlirtatiousMe59: thank you
aggieman*** : well now that u sorta kno how i feel do u understand y i broke up w/ u
FlirtatiousMe59: i understand
FlirtatiousMe59: but i don't like that i have to pay for whatever my sister is being judged for
FlirtatiousMe59: i love her but we are so different...
aggieman*** : i kno but its more what my parents heard bout ur mom and dad bein ok w/ it
FlirtatiousMe59: but they're not
aggieman*** : i kno
aggieman*** : but thats what they heard and no1 said anything against it
aggieman*** : but do u 4give me now that u understand
FlirtatiousMe59: well maybe they should call my parents... they obviously didn't ask the right people...
FlirtatiousMe59: i forgive you because you didn't do anything...
FlirtatiousMe59: g/f's and b/f's break up all the time
FlirtatiousMe59: and i'm glad you finally told me the truth
FlirtatiousMe59: i just hate what the truth is because it's all lies
aggieman*** : they ptobably woodnt cuz thats a weord thing 2 discuss w/ some ppl u dont kno
FlirtatiousMe59: well apparently they don't know them
FlirtatiousMe59: or me
aggieman*** : ok well i apoligize 4 being told the wrong info
FlirtatiousMe59: it bothers me that people have the wrong impression of me too
aggieman*** : yeah
FlirtatiousMe59: especially your parents...
FlirtatiousMe59: this is the first time i've had parents not like me
FlirtatiousMe59: ever really... to my knowledge
aggieman*** : sry its not my fu]ault
FlirtatiousMe59: i know
aggieman*** : i will try 2 c if my parents will belive u but i dont think they will
FlirtatiousMe59: my parents don't have a problem with us having guys at our house but they certainly care how we behave with them
aggieman*** : yeah
FlirtatiousMe59: well i would even talk to them if i need to
aggieman*** : that would help i guess
FlirtatiousMe59: i don't want a bad reputation cuz i try really hard not to put myself in any position to get one
FlirtatiousMe59: even then it backfires i guess
aggieman*** : yeah i guess
FlirtatiousMe59: but y'all have known p****** so long.. why would they believe me?
aggieman*** : idk
aggieman*** : do u mean y wouldnt they
FlirtatiousMe59: no, i mean why would they believe me over p******?
FlirtatiousMe59: y'all have known him longer... he's your bro's friend...
aggieman*** : i dont think they will
FlirtatiousMe59: i don't think they'll believe me either
aggieman*** : thats y i said it mite nt help much if u talk 2 them
FlirtatiousMe59: i make good grades, i have lots of friends, a great relationship with my family... i don't know what i did to deserve this... the only credibility i have is my word but that's not gonna even be enough..
aggieman*** : i think the same thing
FlirtatiousMe59: i just wanna know what i did to p****** to make him say those things about me
aggieman*** : idk
FlirtatiousMe59: i thought he was my friend
aggieman*** : ask him whenever hes on IM or somethin
FlirtatiousMe59: i tried to help him with jenna
FlirtatiousMe59: when he liked her
aggieman*** : idk p****** is weird sometimes
FlirtatiousMe59: i gave him tips and told him what she was feeling and how she was acting...
FlirtatiousMe59: yeah i noticed..
FlirtatiousMe59: i don't even have his new screen name
FlirtatiousMe59: he IM'd me but i forgot to save it
aggieman*** : lol
aggieman*** : i wish [my bro] was here
aggieman*** : he could tell me maybe
FlirtatiousMe59: i know he's friends with r** and he and i don't get along...
aggieman*** : that doesnt really have anything 2 do w/ him bein mad @ u though
FlirtatiousMe59: it shouldn't
aggieman*** : i kno
aggieman*** : well at least u kno what happened kno and all i can say is im sry
FlirtatiousMe59: can you show them this conversation at least?
FlirtatiousMe59: save it and show it to them
FlirtatiousMe59: and i'll talk to them if they want to
FlirtatiousMe59: i'm sure my parents would too
aggieman*** : how do u save it
aggieman*** : nvm
FlirtatiousMe59: okay
FlirtatiousMe59: you know how?
aggieman*** : i saw save under file
FlirtatiousMe59: if i have to see you in a group i'm okay with that if you want to that is... maybe they don't even want you to be with me like that... i respect that but i didn't do anything to deserve it
aggieman*** : would u in a group w/ d*****
aggieman*** : lol jp
FlirtatiousMe59: noo....
FlirtatiousMe59: lol
aggieman*** : 1 day wood u like 2 go 2 that new water park
FlirtatiousMe59: yeah
aggieman*** : well we could get a group 2 gether and go someday
FlirtatiousMe59: that'd be fun
aggieman*** : yeah
aggieman*** : who wood u like 2 come
FlirtatiousMe59: i better remember to wear sunscreen though... you've seen what happens when i stay outside for hours without it...:-P
aggieman*** : lol yeah
FlirtatiousMe59: i would invite taylor and leah... who would you invite?
aggieman*** : jill and cameron
FlirtatiousMe59: b*********?
aggieman*** : yeah
FlirtatiousMe59: which cameron?
aggieman*** : f******
FlirtatiousMe59: are they still going out?
aggieman*** : or whatever his last name is
FlirtatiousMe59: cuz i know they were at least for a while
aggieman*** : they were what
FlirtatiousMe59: going out
aggieman*** : r they still?
FlirtatiousMe59: that's what i asked you
FlirtatiousMe59: lol
aggieman*** : lol ohhhhhh
aggieman*** : idt they r
FlirtatiousMe59: oh okay
aggieman*** : im gonna ask jill tomorrow
FlirtatiousMe59: i'll ask taylor and leah when i talk to them.. what day do you wanna try to go?
aggieman*** : idk yet
FlirtatiousMe59: figured... who would know at 2:48 AM?
FlirtatiousMe59: lol
aggieman*** : well do u think jill would like 2 go w/ leah and taylor
FlirtatiousMe59: i'm so tired i don't even remember my name..
aggieman*** : and cameron2
FlirtatiousMe59: i don't think she'd have a problem with themm
FlirtatiousMe59:*them
FlirtatiousMe59: i don't know if they like eachother but jill gets along with most everyone
aggieman*** : lol yeah
aggieman*** : hey this comp didnt save what u said during out conversation
FlirtatiousMe59: it's white
aggieman*** : i tryied 2 twice and it has blanks after ur name
FlirtatiousMe59: ummm... click on saved IM
FlirtatiousMe59: like open a box other than a chat room
FlirtatiousMe59: and click FILE
FlirtatiousMe59: and go to open saved IM
aggieman*** : k
FlirtatiousMe59: and open it there
FlirtatiousMe59: save this again
FlirtatiousMe59: i can email it to you if you can't figure it out
FlirtatiousMe59: but i really would like you to show them and i'll talk to them too if they want
FlirtatiousMe59: whether or not we EVER get back together.. i don't want them thinking that about me
aggieman*** has left the room.
FlirtatiousMe59: did you get it to work?
aggieman*** signed off at 2:55:18 AM.
aggieman*** signed on at 2:55:19 AM.
FlirtatiousMe59: did you get the last thing i said in the chat?
aggieman*** : no
FlirtatiousMe59: i can email it to you if you can't figure it out
FlirtatiousMe59: but i really would like you to show them and i'll talk to them too if they want
FlirtatiousMe59: whether or not we EVER get back together.. i don't want them thinking that about me
FlirtatiousMe59: but more importantly i don't want you to think that about me...
FlirtatiousMe59: and i'm glad you don't
aggieman*** : ok sent it 2 my k***** 1
FlirtatiousMe59: okay
FlirtatiousMe59: and the ones you opened before, where my font turned out white... you can either highlight my words or copy and paste the whole convo into a word document
FlirtatiousMe59: and make them black
aggieman*** : k
FlirtatiousMe59: hold on
FlirtatiousMe59: i'm trying to open it
aggieman*** : k
FlirtatiousMe59: sorry.. my computer is being rEALLY slow... it may take me a while
aggieman*** : lol ok
aggieman*** : welll i found away 2 c it but if u high it will b easier
After that, we just said goodnight.
I'm sorry Dustin that just being my boyfriend caused you so much trouble. I would hate for you to be judged because of my reputation or my sister's, no matter how undeserved it is. I haven't done anything I'm ashamed of. I love my sis and yeah, we don't always agree on things, but I know she's a good person. Everybody makes mistakes sometimes, but I know in my heart that she didn't do all the things she's been accused of, and I know my parents would not give us permission to do that either. I do know how some of the rumors got started though, and I wish that person and the people she's somehow convinced of her lies (to protect her own reputation I might add) would stop trying to manipulate my sis's life... and now it's spilling over to me and to my parents. The people involved know EXACTLY who they are and I don't care if they see this. Believe what you want... the whole thing makes me ill. It's sad when friends make bad choices and then sell you out to protect themselves from getting in trouble and then keep lying to maintain their story. It's been over a year already... enough innocent people have been emotionally hurt... when does it stop?
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
PS: I've changed my AIM sn since then and I hardly use FlirtatiousMe59 anymore. If you want my new sn, email me (scroll down and click the "comment" button). And btw... I get a little selfish sometimes with who I want to talk to online, so sometimes I use my AIM preferences to block all but a few, depending on my mood, so please don't take it personally... sometimes I just don't feel like talking to everyone on my buddylist.
6/18/03
The longest week
Yes, I'm still here... I've just been dealing with pure crappiness for way too long, trying to make the best of it, and you know what? People shouldn't meddle in other people's lives!! Why does there have to be so much drama? I just lived through one of the worst weeks of my life because some people have been lying about particular things for over a year now, with a terrible affect on my family. I think they're finally realizing how much damage they've caused, but I doubt we've heard the end of it. Things are looking much better now, but that's all I'm gonna say for now... the people involved and the people I care about most know all about it and I just want it to go away.
What's meant to be will always find a way.
6/19/03
Just cuz...
I stole this questionnaire off someone else's blog and here are my answers...
|
[name] Ali
[age] 13
[sex] Female
[location] Texas
[siblings] Brother: Joel (22) Sister: Jenna (15)
[flirty] Very ;-)
[shoe size] Between 8 and 8-1/2 depending on brand
[hair color] Light brown w/natural blonde highlights (I used to be all blonde, but it's getting darker)
[first crush] I don't wanna tell...
[latest crush] again... I don't wanna tell... (he knows)
[color of your room] Blue, yellow, orange, green, white...
[righty or lefty] Righty
[hobbies] hanging with friends, basketball, movies, Sims, computers, reading, writing, learning from my all-too-frequent mistakes, trying again...
PREFERENCES:
[cuddle or make out] Cuddle :-D
[chocolate milk, or hot chocolate] Hot Chocolate
[Mcdonald's or Burger King] McDonald's
[coke or pepsi] Pepsi
[would you wanna marry your best friend, or the perfect lover] Best friend
[root beer, or Dr. Pepper] Dr. Pepper
[tea/coffee/cappuccino] Cappuccino
[cats or dogs] Dogs, but I have a soft spot for cats too... all animals really
[mud or jello wrestling] Jello wrestling, especially if I get to eat the Jello off the guy... no wait... urg... BAD ALI! BAD!
[milk, dark, or white chocolate] Milk Chocolate
[sunny or rainy] Rainy
[winter, summer, fall, or spring] Spring (yes, I changed my mind!)
[vanilla or chocolate] Chocolate... mmmmm
[skiing or boarding] Skiing
[do ya like rock, punk, rap, r and b, alternative, techno, pop, or country] All
[bunk or water bed] WATER BED!
[lights on or off] During what? Off, hehe... I like the dark
FAVORITES:
[color] Red and Yellow
[number] 59
[movie] My Big Fat Greek Wedding
[subject] Art
[song] I have no current favorite... I like a lot of songs
[sport to play] Basketball
[sport to watch] Basketball
[favorite drink] Dr. Pepper... but I always have to drink diet stuff :-(
[truth or dare] Truth
[ocean or pool] Ocean
[love or lust] Love <3
[silver or gold] Silver
[diamonds or pearls] Pearls
[sunrise or sunset] Sunset
[showers or bubble baths] oOoOo Bubble baths!
[shampoo] Dove
[toothpaste] Crest (the kind with the mouthwash/toothpaste mix)
[soap] Dove
[type of soup] Tortilla
[room in your house] MINE!
[instrument] Guitar... wish I could play it
SOCIAL QUESTIONS:
[do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend] Not currently
[do you have a best friend] More than one
FRIENDS:
[my friends] Leah, Taylor, Nick (Falc)... lots more, but those are my closest :-D
[friends that you look like] My body is basically the same as Taylor's, and my hair color and complexion are more like Leah's... I don't look anything like Nick... but I sure do like the way he looks! :-D |
MISC. QUESTIONS:
[do you like school] It's... okay
[do you like to talk on the phone] Not excessively
[do ya have your own phone line] Do cell phones count?
[can we have your number] Nope
[do you like to dance] Yes!
[are you scared to ask out your crush] Always
[do you think cheering is a sport] No, I think of it more as an activity
[been kissed] Yes
[done drugs] No!
[eaten an entire box of Oreos] No
[been on stage] Yes, in dance recitals and school plays
[been dumped] Yes :-(
[dumped someone else] Yes :-/
[gotten in a car accident] No
[watched "Punky Brewster"] Huh? What's that?
[been in love] I thought I was :-/
EITHER/OR:
[coffee or hot chocolate] Hot Chocolate
[big or little] Big or little what?
[lace or satin] Lace, cuz it's all frilly :-D
[new or old] New
[Neve Campbell or Jennifer Love Hewitt] Who?
[Vogue or Material Girl] Vogue
[jeans or cords] Jeans
[sweater or sweatshirt] Sweater
[t-shirt or tank top] Tank top
[skirt or dress] Dress
[wool or cotton] Cotton... wool is itchy :-/
[rose or lily] Lily, but I like roses too!
[the way it is or the way it was] The way it was
[oldies or pop] Pop, if I have to pick one
IN THE PAST TWO DAYS HAVE YOU:
[cried] Yes
[helped someone] Yes
[bought something] Yes... I'm a compulsive shopper
[gotten sick] Nope
[gone to the movies] No
[gone out for dinner] Yes
[said "I love you"] Yes
[written a real letter] You mean e-mail, right? Yes
[moved on] No
[talked to an ex] Yes
[missed an ex] Yes
[written in a journal] Yes
[talked to someone you have a crush on] Yes ;-)
[had a serious talk] Oh yeah
[missed someone] Extremely... *sigh*
[hugged someone] Yes
[fought with parents] Not in the past two days...
[fought with a friend] No
[worn eye shadow] All the time!
[eaten with your mouth open] No, I'm a good girl... I don't do that |
And with this I bid thee farewell... for today.
I'm keeping you forever and for always.
6/23/03
To blog or not to blog...
Now that school is out for the summer and I'm once again single, I'm finding it hard to find things to write about. Maybe I should just not bother for the summer? LOL... there might only be one or two people that this would bother.
Sometimes people ask me why I blog. I didn't start this blog as a way to get attention... it's a personal journal that I choose to expose to the world. It's an outlet for my thoughts... my venting zone. I rant to unseen faces... I don't even know who all reads this, but I think Nick (falc) is my biggest fan. I don't write for hits on my counter, I write for me... but I'm always grateful to anyone who takes the time to comment on something I wrote... and Nick's always ready to comment  .
 I've been thinking an awful lot about Nick lately... we IM each other almost daily and can spend hours talking and it only seems like a little while (sometimes I block everyone else just so I can spend more time talking to him... omg... did I just admit that to the whole world?!?)... I've only known him since January, but it seems like I've known him for a few years. I have GOT to find a way to actually meet that guy someday.
Hmmm... what did I do today? I spent most of the day on my computer, looking at various websites and tagging guestbooks on SCN. Hahaha... I even got invited to join a sexy singles group on SCN... I'm 13 and I'm not even sexy... how funny is that?
I'm feeling your soul by my side.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
PS: Ahem... *twiddles thumbs* ... Someone owes me an e-mail... and maybe a finished poem .
6/24/03
What is WRONG with me?!?
Why can't I just act like everyone else and scream at people and tell them what kind of jerks they're being whenever they act crappy to me or anyone else?!? How do these people find me anyway? Why do I always have to be the "nice one?" My conscience always haunts me whenever I don't try to see the best in people. I don't know how to handle this... there's this guy I go to school with who has been such an annoying jerk for so long (he'll probably even read this and I'm beyond caring... almost)... I tried to befriend him and then he practically became obsessed with trying to have me as his girlfriend and when I said I only wanted to be friends because I didn't see him that way, he went ballistic and did things I won't even go into here... then of course, I forgave him... why? Not even I know... then it only happened all over again... and then these girls at my school, which will remain nameless played a cruel joke on him, and he took his anger out on me! You try to be nice and give some advice and you're a b!tch... I'm sick of being treated like I'm a horrible person because I try to be someone's friend... each time I've forgiven him less and less and this time, I just plain don't want to...
Then last night I opened my email and found this...
--------------------
From: "DRM"
To: Ali
Sent: Monday, June 23, 2003 3:02 PM
Subject: I realize that you might delete this as soon as you see my name, but please, don't delete this, read it first.
Ali,
I realize I have been a total jerk to you. I also realize I have hurt your feelings. I still want us to be friends. I tried to tell you I was sorry. My life is boring now that you are gone. I have no one to talk to at midnight. I never get to play monopoly anymore. I used to be able to count on you, when things in my life were getting hard. Now I have no one to tell my problems to. I'm sorry for flipping out about that. You probably will never know the pain, and agony I went through after that. I realized I lost my one true friend, and I still haven't found her. If you will just PLEASE forgive me enough to unblock me on AIM. I am asking you with all my heart, and all my soul, to forgive me enough for that. I'm sorry for everything I have brought upon your life. I'm sorry for the name calling, I'm sorry for flipping out, and cussing. Ali, I am PLEADING for forgiveness. I have cried myself to sleep many-a-night thinking about how our friendship ended. How, because of my stupidity, it ended. I'm just going to come out and say it, I'm sorry. Like I said before, I'm asking you with all of my heart to forgive me. You don't have to fully forgive me, I've got years before you forgive me fully, but please, just forgive me enough to unblock me on AIM. All I ask, is that we try to work this thing out. Please do this, for me.
Sincerely,
DRM
P.S. I would do anything just to talk to you for an hour.
--------------------
What am I to do now I ask you... anyone? Please... I unblocked him from AIM and told him that I would unblock him for now, but no guarantees that it would remain that way... I told him not to push anything... his only reply was "ok." Why couldn't I just ignore it?!?
And then... to completely top off my evening I had this AIM conversation with Scott:
Scott: hey sign my guest book in my sub
Auto response from Me: i'm here, but kinda busy... if you're REALLY important to me... go ahead and leave a message O:-)
Me: i would, but you see... ummm... i looked at it a while ago and my name seems to be missing (as usual) among your list of friends... i wouldn't think you'd want someone you don't even consider your friend (in spite of how long i've known you and the fact that i used to be your g/f...) to sign your gb... that honor should be reserved for your "friends"
Scott: u r my friend
Auto response from Me: i'm here, but kinda busy... if you're REALLY important to me... go ahead and leave a message O:-)
Scott: i did that at 2 AM last night
Scott: im sorry if i forgot u among other ppl
Me: i'm NEVER on it, not even when i was your g/f...
Scott: im sorry
Scott: :-(
Me: however...
Me: in spite of whenever you have a friend list...
Me: no matter if you made it at 2 am or pm... i'm never EVER on yours until requested.... you always seem to have a place on MY shoutouts...
Scott: im sorry
Me: i'm gonna go watch a movie...
Me: bye
Scott: bye
Is that not unlike a stab in the heart? Why the heck should I sign his guestbook?!? "Forgetting" me again only reinforces how little I've meant to him... I'm sick of being used! After being his friend for almost 3 years and being his g/f twice and STILL being his friend after what ended our relationship, you'd think that I would be considered a "friend." And btw... his profile remains unchanged, which proves how insincere his apologies are too. I guess it's high time for me to "conveniently forget" him!
My friend Taylor's younger bro was hurt badly a couple days ago in a freak accident on his bike... we've all been worried about him, but it looks like he'll be okay... he was out with one of his friends and turned a corner on the road and ran into either the truck or the boat the truck was towing. Taylor called me panicking and at first I couldn't even understand what she was saying! I usually have advice and comfort for anyone in almost any situation, but I felt useless. I couldn't even figure out how to comfort one of my best friends in a HUGE crisis... I feel really bad that I couldn't comfort her more... I just tried to be available for her to cry to and speak her concerns to. What else am I supposed to do? Give her possibly false hopes? Seem insensitive and change the subject? I guess I don't have all the answers...
I hate feeling this way... I'M TIRED OF FEELING CRAPPY! Summer is supposed to be a time for fun... where's the fun? If this is how being a teenager is supposed to be, can I go back to an earlier time, or maybe just skip over it altogether?? Gaaaaaaaaaaa... it's time to bounce back and I need some help... I even resorted to the comfort of my dog, Phoebe... thought I'd try to teach her some new tricks... lol... my dad finally thought I'd completely gone insane. I have to admit that trying to get my dad to "speak" for a treat as an example for a slightly learning-disabled beagle may have been carrying it a lil' too far... hahahaha... well, it seemed sensible at the time.
I stayed up way too late last night and then slept 'til noon today. My mom was supposed to wake me for a morning walk with her, but the painters were still here and we couldn't leave. My dad brought home Quiznos subs for lunch (mmmmm... TOASTY!) and then I spent the major part of the rest of my afternoon making a Powerpoint presentation on dogs... and enjoyed myself... how lame is that? LOL... *cry for help*
I want to be in your world.
6/29/03
Wow, I FINALLY made his subpro...
I hope you know I'm being sarcastic in my excitement... but at least Scott and I are resolving issues that have long been bothering me... I guess this is the summer to dig up all the old issues and flog them until they die! This was my conversation with Scott last night... and don't be mistaken that I still want a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with him because I seriously doubt that could ever happen again (I've been burned too much and in the process realized that he wants a completely different type of relationship than I would want)... I just want to be able to put it all behind us and stay friends... but it can't be put behind unless we've talked about it, so yeah... we finally talked about it. (By the way, I corrected some of his typos to make it less confusing, and if you're still confused as to what we were initially talking about, scroll up and look at the entry for June 24.)
Scott: hey look at my info now
Me: just so ya know... putting someone's name AFTER they get mad at you about it means SQUAT to that person
Scott: ok ... i made a completely NEW one
Me: the fact that i didn't come to mind the first time speaks volumes
Scott: it was at 2 AM
Scott signed off at 11:24:16 PM.
Scott signed on at 11:24:26 PM.
Scott: ok im back
Scott: ok , i made a completely NEW info , and i DID put u in there
Me: only cuz i made a big fuss about it
Me: you didn't put me in there just cuz "oh, ali is my friend so i think i'll put her in there" it was "ali'll get mad at me if i don't"
Scott: nu uh
Me: yuh huh
Me: don't even try to pull off that
Scott: i didnt do it cuz that !!
Me: of all the crap you've done this probably hurt the most
Me: i've been your g/f TWICE, was still your friend after that, i put up with you trying to make me jealous of all the other girls you're interested in, i helped you get g/f's and keep g/f's after what i went through being your g/f and yet i didn't just POP into your mind when thinking of friends?????
Scott: well damn ali im sorry , i did that at 3 in the damn morning , i really am sorry i didnt put u on there
Scott: and i do consider u a good friend
Scott: but just becuz i accidently forgot u ...
Scott: im sorry
Me: and even after i made a big deal out of it it took you a week to put me there.... it's 3 letters, how hard is that to add in?!?
Scott: its not !
Scott: and the only reason it took me so long was cuz i couldnt figure out my freakin password !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scott: so i made a NEW one
Scott: and i added u
Scott: in all caps sayin i didnt forget !
Scott: :-\ im sorry but man !
Me: well it felt like a freaking stab in the heart!
Scott: im sorry babe !! man !!
Scott: u just dont kno how i am at 2 in the AM
Me: yet everyone who hasn't gone through all that with you just stand out...
Scott: :-( again i am sorry
Scott: im sorry for being a bad boyfriend
Scott: im sorry for not doing things with u
Scott: im sorry i treated u like shit
Scott: im sorry if i hurt u
Scott: im sorry if i make u jealous
Scott: im sorry i didnt put u in my shout outs
Scott: im sorry im such a dick to u
Me: excuse me?
Scott: im sorry
Me: "Scott: im sorry if i make u jealous"
Me: you TRY to, don't get that mixed up...
Me: very big difference
Scott: u said sumthin to that nature
Me: you throw all these pretty YOUR AGE girls in my face
Scott: ok
Me: and i just deal with it
Scott: well still IM SORRY
Scott: no
Scott: no
Scott: listen
Scott: i dont want to hurt u , i never did , im sorry , and if i make u this mad then i dont kno wut to do other than just not talk to u , i want to b friends , but i dont want to come off mean or an ass ne more !!
Scott: :-(
Me: then stop being one
Me: don't treat people who care about you like shit
Scott: I DONT PURPOSLY DO IT THO !!!
Me: and don't use the excuse that you don't mean to or you just don't think the things you say through, if that's your problem then THINK
Scott: no one really cares bout me ....
Me: i've always cared about you
Me: look what it did for me
Scott: i dont open up that well
Scott: and i do regret treating u bad
Scott: i only wish that i could have treated u better , thats my only regret about being with u . was that i should have treated u better
Scott: and even tho i didnt seem like it I DID care
Me: you cared enough to break up with me without giving it a chance and then when you finally decided to go out again, you completely avoided me
Scott: urgh !
Scott: i didnt mean to !!
Scott: hey imma go now , i might b back on later
Scott signed off at 11:50:19 PM.
LATER:
Scott: so we're not gonna talk ?
Me: we can talk
Scott: well , like i said i dont wanna b an ass
Me: this may sound naive, but just don't be one... think about the things you say and how they'll affect people BEFORE you say them
Scott: i will
Me: i'm sorry to be repetitive but of all the people to slip through the cracks... it would be me, considering all i've gone through... i would give up being mad at you if you can tell me that every single girl that WAS included in that first list went through either as much or more with you as i did... and have all those girls been there for you as much as i have? cuz if they have, you sure didn't let on like it
Scott: i have gone threw stuff with ALL of them , not like u and me but i have , in sum lil way
Me: i meant as much stuff... like as much crap as with me... and did they care about you as much as me? or do you not even realize how much i've cared about you?
Scott: i dont relize how much u do or did
Me: well that's too bad
Me: considering all i did for you and the fact that i went out with you twice, and the fact that even after i went out with you twice i still tried to be there for you... i sure made it so obvious i cared about you that you told me i smothered you
Me: but technically we never went out... it was in name only... cuz the only times we ever saw each other were when we weren't going out
Scott: i wasnt used to that
Scott signed off at 1:21:00 AM
OMG, OMG... I've tried talking to him about that quite a few times, but I guess I never really said all that needed to be said. I feel soooo much better now that I've finally told him all that. Now I hope I can just salvage our friendship. You know what else? It's not so easy growing up...
Jelly beans are the only beans I like...
Ask me for the PASSWORD.
A place to comment on one of my blog topics...
or anything you want to discuss.
(Foul language disabled) |
my SCN rose supply is dwindling...
